So, some of those who read my Facebook posts recently have probably seen a little bit of a change … there’s more Buddhist stuff going up. So what’s the deal? Well, in reading some really great theology by Hans-Urs von Balthasar, I was pointed back to some of the training that I’d received before in Buddhism: that is teachings on radical presence, awareness and compassion. I’ve resurrected my Buddhist practice with the dead, starting with some mental cleaning house (getting back to the breath), then re-taking all three sets of vows (Refuge, Bodhisattva and Vajrayana). So I thought I’d share a snippet of my journey with you all in the hopes that there would be something of benefit found here for your own walk.
Rediscovering Peace
In taking up my Vajrayana practice again, I am finding that deep seated peace again. Not to say that Christian teaching didn’t give me peace, but in practicing the liturgies of Vajrayana Buddhism, I find my mind called to a deeper stillness, and to abiding in that space where everything just is. In engaging these practices deeply and wholly, I find myself once again feeling like I can gain more 
control over the afflictive emotions, and I can move towards being mindful, present, and compassionate. For those that engage in these practices, they are a powerful way of working with emotions and the mind.
It wasn’t a careless decision to re-take vows and to take up the practice again. Balthasar in his Theological Aesthetics talks about beauty as the starting point of theology, and that genuine, true beauty is indeed from God and shows forth God. This is a starting point, that I think, if taken to its full extent, can and would revolutionize Christian faith. Instead of engaging in speculation, redaction criticism, historical suspicion, Balthasar is instead pointing us to sacred outlook. That is, Balthasar is calling us to view God’s creation in the eyes of those closing lines of Genesis 1: “And God saw that it was very good”. For me, the method of realizing that beauty is found in the practice of Buddhist teaching, and that by being radically present and aware of that beauty, I can live out the call to be fully human, just as Jesus was fully human.
When I was practicing Buddhism in earnest a few years ago, a friend remarked that I was much less angry, more at peace; and now as I re-engage in the practice of meditation, I am finding that slowly again. I tried the route of traditional, conservative Christianity (and as another friend pointed out, I tend to jump into things with an obsessive single-mindedness, which is true), but, judging by the fruits of it, it was not what I hoped it would be. I am not finding true peace in being right. In being right, I have to defend the castle all the time. Whereas in being just me, I can just be me. That’s a hard realization that perfect purity in doctrine, belief, or concept doesn’t effect salvation (which, if we read it in terms of its historic roots, means healing).
Navigating the “What Are You?” Question
Of course, this sort of thing brings up the question of my Christianity (or my Buddhism, depending on who one talks to). And here is where I would reject the answers of either and both. One thing that was extremely helpful to me was an interview in Tricycle magazine with Ruben Habito, a former Jesuit priest, who now is perhaps one of the archetypes of a Buddhist Christian. In response to the question “[A]re you a Buddhist, or are you a Christian?”, Ruben Habito answers: “If you put ‘or’ there, then I have no answer … But if you ask me: ‘Are you Buddhist and Christian?’ I would be hesitant because that would compromise the two traditions, to suggest they can just be mixed” (Tricycle, Summer 2014, pp. 40-41).
This answer was immensely helpful to me because it’s ok to live in a place where spiritual identity is messy. I read Christian theology, and I also engage in formal Buddhist studies (excited to start the Foundations of Buddhist Thought program in September); I believe what is received at Holy Communion is the body and blood of Christ [which the Buddhist notion
of Emptiness simplifies greatly … sorry Aquinas!], but I also believe that to avoid perpetual discontentment, we can find safe harbor in the Enlightened One, the teachings, and the community on a journey. So the answer, for me, are you a Buddhist or a Christian, indeed for me, and for those of you who want an answer is a koan. There is no answer I can give you.
This is messy because this is two systems of thinking. Both have their own integrity and I’m committed to preserving that integrity where it’s possible. They can’t just be mixed. They come from two very different places in time and culture. So, for now then, the goal is to be content in the messiness. To receive teachings, to think things out, to engage in the deep practices of Vajrayana Buddhism, and re-encounter the depths of Christian tradition too.
Phos Zoe 